I've felt sexual for as long as I can remember.
I was fantasizing about groups of men touching me long before I started masturbating. I could feel their hands on my breasts, in my mouth and on the outside of my pussy.
I didn't touch myself but I moistened from these thoughts.
I was 16 when I lost my virginity but I wish I’d lost it earlier. There were so many cocks I would’ve liked to have felt deep inside of me.
I said ‘no’ to boy after boy because I read that the first time hurt.
It didn’t. It slid in.
I was petrified of giving a blowjob as well. But I liked it from the very first time. I liked the way it felt in my mouth and I liked the effect it had on my body.
How does a girl cope when she's been given a sexuality bigger than herself?
In my teens and twenties I channeled the energy in many ways -- via artistic expression, fierce promiscuity and rage.
All my life I've felt that other people feel ashamed of me for how naturally sexual I am. Sometimes it's subtle but mostly it's not. I'm made to feel dirty, cheap and lesser for simply being myself.
The sex-writing has helped me with my confidence. Ever since I began to own who I am -- the world has opened up to me. I know I'm on the right track because of how I feel inside.
The last five years have been the happiest of my life. I've created something from nothing. I didn't just trip over my 'sex-columnist gig' at Penthouse Magazine or my blog on The Huff -- I hustled and fought for them. Like I hustle and fight for everything.
In my thirties the biggest shock has been my sexual peak -- this bitch is one large MOTHERFUCKER. I thought I was in my sexual peak at 31, then 34, then 37. I'm now 39 and my peak is still ascending. I think about sex ALL day -- it's very distracting.
If a penis without a condom even looked at me, I would get pregnant. Fighting for a career whilst waving the 'childless by choice' flag is one thing. Fighting against biology and evolution is quite another!
Obviously I'm unable to have sex all day but shit, I'd love to give it a shot! Instead my sexual energy finds it's own way of expressing itself.
Recently I've returned to music. It's a wonderful outlet for unused sexual energy. I've decided to finish my certificates in organ and music theory, so I can teach when I move to London.
I'm also able to channel my sexual energy through my erotica collection.
Every day I spend two hours downloading erotica and pornography. I currently have
42, 000 images of labias, penises, nudes, pubic hair, arses, simulated sex, real sex, erotic models, vintage porn, french postcards...etc.
Viewing erotic imagery is definitely part of my creative process. I find it meditative. I find it gives me ideas for my articles and other creative pursuits. Like going to the gym. I view erotic imagery every day.
I'm lost and all over the place -- much like this blog-post.
I'm still trying to work my 'sexual self' out.
But the main thing is not to apologise or cower for my sacred journey.
I've got your back Vanessa. It's okay.