My Soldier Uniform Fetish was originally published on The Huffington Post, see here.
I have a confession to make. I have a fetish for men in soldier uniforms. It all started rather innocently. I was watching a movie on SBS when a consenting woman was ravaged by a group of soldiers. As I sat there with my eyes glued to the screen, I could feel my inner thighs becoming increasingly damp. The film ended and my fetish was born.
Then one day, I found myself on eBay looking for soldier uniforms. I needed 4 uniforms for the imaginary soldiers who were going to wear them. What was I doing? It was 3am in the morning and I was sitting in my pink pyjamas browsing uniforms that had been designed for war. Had I lost my mind?
I found a seller who sold 'imitation uniforms' and within seconds I was shoving merchandise into my virtual shopping cart. I purchased 4 uniforms on the spot; I then purchased 2 visor-hats, 2 helmets (complete with liner and chinstrap), some boots and some military sew-on motifs. I was ready for combat.
The uniforms and accessories arrived in a large box. As I pulled each item out, I cooed and shrieked. Now it was time to cast my four leading men. How was I going to do this? What were the prerequisites?
I needed four men who were capable of acting out a scene with a penchant for accents. I needed four men who felt comfortable participating in sexual activities whilst wearing soldier uniforms. I put an ad on a few sites.
Within days, my inbox was inundated with applications. As I went through their photos and messages, it occurred to me, that one of them could be a serial-killer. After that realization, I took the ads down and decided to cast from the pool of men I already knew.
The casting process began with an old flame. When I explained my conundrum, he was more than willing to offer up his talents. Next I approached film and theater actors that I'd worked with and successfully found two who were willing to help me fulfill my fantasy. In the end it was decided, that three soldiers would have to do as I was having difficulty casting a fourth.
There was a new problem arising. Since seeing the film on SBS, my imagination had created a new narrative. In my fantasies I always had the soldiers breaking into my house in the middle of the night. This was troublesome to my newly cast trifecta.
Why can't we do it in the day? You want us to break into your house? Are you serious Ness?
Of course I was serious. I needed authenticity. Finally the night arrived and my three soldiers appeared just before midnight as arranged. We went through a few rehearsals and a few arguments. I wanted them to break into my house legitimately but they refused. Finally we settled on a plan and it was time to execute it.
I headed for my darkened bedroom and the boys headed for the courtyard to get changed. I felt a sense of nervousness and excitement at what was about to occur.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.
The living room door slammed open and my three soldiers were marching up the passageway towards me, suddenly the light was switched on. My ex-boyfriend and two acting colleagues stood there before me dressed as soldiers, holding the plastic batons I had bought for them at the costume shop.
'Aller guten dinge sind drei.'
Shouted my thespian colleague in his best German accent, which in English translates to 'all good things come in threes'. As the words exited his mouth, our make-believe scene began to crumble. We were laughing so hard that tears were running down our cheeks. My soldier fantasy had flopped.
That was six years ago and I've never bothered trying to reenact the fantasy again. I often march around the house in one of my soldier uniforms, contemplating which country I should invade. But perhaps some fantasies are best left unlived.