I say to my female friend: “I just had a fuck” And she responds: "What was his name?”
What was his name? Are you serious? I dunno.
Bert. T. LongSchlong?
I have no idea what his name was. It’s not important to me.
When my female friend tells me she had a fuck. My questions are quite different. They go something like this:
"What was his dick like?”
“Did you blow him?”
“Did he lick you out?”
"Did he make you cum?”
Asking my friend the name of the bloke she just fucked is none of my business. It personalises something that doesn’t need personalising. It’s just a fuck. Nothing more, nothing less. If anything, I find details can actually ruin a good fuck.
I don’t need to know whether you have a wife.
I don't need to know whether you're a father.
I don't need to know that your mother-in-law is called Ethel and has diabetes.
I don’t need to know your Christian name or surname.
What's any of that got to do with the wetness I feel for you inside my cunt? Without sounding like a cold and uncaring bitch -- your life is not my issue. Your dick is my issue! So let’s get down to business and have FUN!
The best fuck of my life was a ‘nameless fuck’.
It was 2010.
I was 100% sober.
It was a sunny afternoon.
It took place in Fitzroy, Melbourne.
He was wearing a blue t-shirt.
He was a tradie.
We didn’t talk. We just fucked each other, blew our brains out and went our separate ways. It was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful!
I have no idea what his face looked like. I have no idea if he had a girlfriend. I have no idea whether he remembers me.
None of it matters. It was the perfect fuck. I still masturbate about him all these years later.
No exchanging names, numbers or emails.
No filling silences with words.
No expectations or details.
Fucking is ENOUGH to stand on it’s own. But people like to make 'fucking' complicated. Fucking doesn’t have to be complicated. It doesn’t have to be weighed down by romance.
It doesn’t need rules or boundaries.
It doesn’t need names or backstories.
It doesn’t need empty chatter or broken promises.
It doesn’t need unnecessary lies.
The 'nameless fuck' is a worthwhile fuck because it’s not trying to be something it isn’t. It’s straightforward, no-nonsense sexual gratification.
I’ll have a nameless fuck, thank you. Straight up!
My name is Vanessa de Largie and I'm the sex-columnist at Maxim Magazine. The Victress is my sex blog. You won't find political correctness or romantic bullshit here.