Before you start reading my sex-blog about squirting. May I suggest you read my column in The Huff Post about my journey through female ejaculation. Then this sequel-blog will make more sense!
Have you read it? Good, let's begin!
I have not squirted for twenty years...
until this morning.
But before I delve into my INCREDIBLE sexual experience -- let's backtrack.
When I was 17. I was smoking weed at a friend's house. I became quite stoned and was offered their spare room, to sleep it off.
As I climbed into bed, I began to masturbate and within minutes I was experiencing female ejaculation.
What I couldn't get over, was the 'full relief' I felt after squirting compared to standard clitoral or g-spot orgasms.
"This is how men must feel EVERY time they cum" I thought.
Then I met this BEAUTIFUL man. I refer to him as the Cunnilingus King. My god, did he know how to eat pussy!
He made me squirt twice during our fuckbuddery and then he went and got married and spoiled all the fun.
So, in a nutshell, I've been trying to SQUIRT for the last twenty years and have failed.
I've purchased different types of weed.
I've played with zillions of toys.
I've experimented with pressure and positioning during masturbation.
I've read a shitload of literature
And I've viewed a shitload of educational porn
But I've had no luck.
So, what has my career got to do with me squirting? Plenty!
In 2017, I moved over to the other side of the world to focus on acting. I trained at the esteemed London Actors Centre and performed my one-woman show in the West End.
After just six months:
I had burned through my savings
Lost my verified Facebook Page with just over 5000 followers (due to censorship)
Lost my one woman show (due to poor ticket sales)
Lost my performance visa
And I had to fly home to Melbourne with my tail between my legs.
I felt incredible shame and embarrassment.
I felt like a failure.
Between October 2017 and February 2018. I left the house once. I pushed everyone away. I deleted all social media. And I drowned.
The only thing that could make me FEEL anything at all was MASTURBATION.
I would masturbate between one to eight hours a day in TRUE hypersexual fashion JUST TO FEEL SOMETHING.
Via daily self-pleasure. I have not only become multi-orgasmic. I've become spontaneously orgasmic.
Which means I can orgasm in a bank or in a shop or on a walk without any sexual stimulation or thoughts, whatsoever.
Because I review sex toys. Masturbation is also part of my job. And when you have as many orgasms per day, as I do. Your body becomes a finely tuned instrument at producing pleasure.
After looking at some erotic art from the 1800s. I grabbed my 'we vibe tango' and started having a diddle. I really had given up on squirting.
As the intensity rose through every cell in my body...
Instead of taking the vibe off my clit (which I always do when the pleasure becomes too much)
I deep breathed myself through each and every contraction and held the 'vibe' firmly against my clit - even though it was mentally and physically overwhelming.
And that's when it happened.
THE SOAKED BED SHEETS.
I was in a state of such joy and shock.
I burst into tears.
Not little tears.
LOUD SOBBING MOTHERFUCKER TEARS THAT DROPPED LIKE THUNDER BOLTS.
It was worth the twenty-year wait.
My name is Vanessa de Largie and I'm the sex-columnist at Maxim Magazine. The Victress is my sex blog. You won't find political correctness or romantic bullshit here.