In September 2018, it was revealed that Lily Allen had paid for sex. My initial thought was: "why is this news?" Heaps of people pay for sex. Then it dawned upon me. Shaming Lily Allen made people feel better about their lives.
How dare a married woman (or single woman) exercise her right to pay for sex. Because after all, whores are the medallions of men, aren't they?
Allen says she slept with escorts because she was 'looking for something'. I know how she feels. I've been looking for 'something' for twenty years. Yet I'm unable to convey in words what that 'something' is.
The first time I paid for sex was after my mother died in my twenties. It was a way to deal with my grief. Different people cope in different ways. I've always coped with trauma and tragedy via sexual pleasure.
The first time I ordered a male escort, I stayed in a motel room and bought new lingerie for the occasion. I felt anxious while waiting but when he arrived -- he put me at ease.
Male and female sexual partners have stopped pleasuring me prematurely and I haven't been honest about my needs. With the male escorts, I felt completely in my power to demand what I desired.
After I had cum, they would fuck off. It was perfection.
When I've had sex with lovers, I've wanted them to fuck off but I have tolerated their presence out of politeness.
Clark Gable (who famously loved fucking whores) said he paid them to go away. Mr Gable makes a lot of sense to me. I pay them to go away too. Far, far away!
More and more women are paying for sex. Career women, time-poor women and women who want the sausage without the potatoes.
I haven't paid for sex in four years, (mainly due to my financial situation). As soon as I get my finance sorted, I will definitely return to paying for sex again.
Selfish sexual pleasure without the hassles? Yes please. What more could a woman ask for?
Before you start reading my sex-blog about squirting. May I suggest you read my column in The Huff Post about my journey through female ejaculation. Then this sequel-blog will make more sense!
Have you read it? Good, let's begin!
I have not squirted for twenty years...
until this morning.
But before I delve into my INCREDIBLE sexual experience -- let's backtrack.
When I was 17. I was smoking weed at a friend's house. I became quite stoned and was offered their spare room, to sleep it off.
As I climbed into bed, I began to masturbate and within minutes I was experiencing female ejaculation.
What I couldn't get over, was the 'full relief' I felt after squirting compared to standard clitoral or g-spot orgasms.
"This is how men must feel EVERY time they cum" I thought.
Then I met this BEAUTIFUL man. I refer to him as the Cunnilingus King. My god, did he know how to eat pussy!
He made me squirt twice during our fuckbuddery and then he went and got married and spoiled all the fun.
So, in a nutshell, I've been trying to SQUIRT for the last twenty years and have failed.
I've purchased different types of weed.
I've played with zillions of toys.
I've experimented with pressure and positioning during masturbation.
I've read a shitload of literature
And I've viewed a shitload of educational porn
But I've had no luck.
So, what has my career got to do with me squirting? Plenty!
In 2017, I moved over to the other side of the world to focus on acting. I trained at the esteemed London Actors Centre and performed my one-woman show in the West End.
After just six months:
I had burned through my savings
Lost my verified Facebook Page with just over 5000 followers (due to censorship)
Lost my one woman show (due to poor ticket sales)
Lost my performance visa
And I had to fly home to Melbourne with my tail between my legs.
I felt incredible shame and embarrassment.
I felt like a failure.
Between October 2017 and February 2018. I left the house once. I pushed everyone away. I deleted all social media. And I drowned.
The only thing that could make me FEEL anything at all was MASTURBATION.
I would masturbate between one to eight hours a day in TRUE hypersexual fashion JUST TO FEEL SOMETHING.
Via daily self-pleasure. I have not only become multi-orgasmic. I've become spontaneously orgasmic.
Which means I can orgasm in a bank or in a shop or on a walk without any sexual stimulation or thoughts, whatsoever.
Because I review sex toys. Masturbation is also part of my job. And when you have as many orgasms per day, as I do. Your body becomes a finely tuned instrument at producing pleasure.
After looking at some erotic art from the 1800s. I grabbed my 'we vibe tango' and started having a diddle. I really had given up on squirting.
As the intensity rose through every cell in my body...
Instead of taking the vibe off my clit (which I always do when the pleasure becomes too much)
I deep breathed myself through each and every contraction and held the 'vibe' firmly against my clit - even though it was mentally and physically overwhelming.
And that's when it happened.
THE SOAKED BED SHEETS.
I was in a state of such joy and shock.
I burst into tears.
Not little tears.
LOUD SOBBING MOTHERFUCKER TEARS THAT DROPPED LIKE THUNDER BOLTS.
It was worth the twenty-year wait.
A huge shout-out to the lovely folks at Doxy for sending me this pink beast. After hearing praise from sex bloggers around the world, I had to get my hands on a Doxy Original Personal Massager.
When the Doxy arrived via courier, I referred to it as 'The Beast'. Had someone sent me a baseball bat? Or a murder weapon? I couldn't wait to road-test my new friend.
The Doxy measures at approximately 13.5 inches long. With a 2.8 meter cord. The head of the wand is cushy and easy to clean. It's made from non-porous PVC.
The Doxy needs to be plugged into a power point to work. And when you turn it on -- it's like a 747 Jumbo Jet taking off. The Doxy beast has power -- that's for sure. But too much power for my shy clitoris!
To me, wand massagers are a HARSH toy. Most similar to putting a leaf blower or chainsaw to one's anatomy without the damage or blood.
The noisiness of the Doxy is MOST unsexy. And after a few minutes of use... My entire vagina hurts and goes numb.
Wand massagers are not for me! I'm giving the Doxy Wand Massager: 2 out of 5 stars!
I am compensated for ALL product reviews on The Victress but it does not sway my opinion in any way, shape or form.
My name is Vanessa de Largie and I'm the sex-columnist at Maxim Magazine. The Victress is my sex blog. It's a space where I can explore my ferocious sexual fantasies - unapologetically.